A shallow night and a prancing pony

It was around twelve in the night, the streets howling as Amanda was rushing towards her home. She looked scared. She stopped and turned pale when a black cat just cut her way and crossed. She was frozen. She had started to shiver; she turned around looked right, left, down and moved on. That was a dreadful sign! Her palms started sweating; she had a feeling that something terrible is going to happen. She then reached her door; removed her keys fumbling. She looked around and felt as if someone was following her. There was an awful silence in the street. She eyed the closed doors. The darkness was killing her. There were profound stains of fear in her eyes. She unlocked the door and got in and comforted herself and felt protected. Phew!

She recalled of what had happened the whole day. The fights, the abuses and the betrayal. Her relationship with John had always been that way. When she realised she was being cheated, she died a cold death inside. She caught him with a stranger and burst out into a teary fight at his place the day, that slimy witch was watching them from a distance when they broke. Since afternoon she had been at John’s place making an effort to untie the knots in their relationship. But eventually she gave up when she found there indifferences stood from John’s side. The entire afternoon was deadly silent. He didn’t even utter a word or maybe she didn't let him. She was eventually frustrated with no reaction from John’s side and left his house leaving red remarks.

She found herself sitting down backing the door crying thinking about all that happened. She got up and screamed. Fuck off you son of a bitch! She ran up the stairs and got into the washroom and refreshed  herself. She got out and lit up the lamp and sat beside her bed. She thought how horrifying the whole day was. Her eyes were widening up. She was trying to decipher the illusion and bring herself back to life. But pessimism was surrounding her. Something evil is after my life, someone followed me the whole way, it’s you, all ‘cause of you John, I know, you ruined my whole life you bastard. The fucking cat shouldn’t show his colour. I shouldn’t have made a red silent exit. Damn you!

  

She pulled up her phone and dialled a number to her roommate who apparently was not with her and she burst out telling her everything. Her pitch rose up; I loved him so much, and that asshole was with that bitch! And now he’s making someone follow me, they will now find out what happened but who will held John responsible for all these? It went on and she ended up the call abusing. She was out of the world, she lost it completely. She started walking down her room. Her strand of curl was stroking her eye; she took a scissor and ripped it off. She was fucked up. She knew what was bothering her. John was the big time reason behind her and now he was going to take away her life she thought. She screamed. The madness was taking over her.

Is this the bloody time to play this dreadful siren like sound late in the night? She yelped like a dog when she heard the siren like sound coming from outside. The sound rose louder this time. She started sweating; her palms all wet. She then bent down and hid under the bed. You moron stop it! It was you who started it first! The doorbell rang and she had closed her eyes. No I’m not opening it. I know you want to kill me, put me behind the bars. The bell went on ringing. With no response from Amanda’s side, somebody broke the door and got in. She could hear the footsteps coming upstairs. She closed her ears, her eyes, she was still sweating. There were many people, she could hear them all. She was stunned. She pondered how they found out, the blood marks were almost taken away. They got in her room searching all over.  Then slowly one heavy weighted man raised the blanket that covered the bed. An evil smile appeared on his face. ‘So here is she, come out you lady’, he said.

I…I… just made him asleep…nothing else sir! They then pulled her out.

As they took her away, she saw a pink pony galloping in her room in merriment. She smiled back.

Now this story too dated back - 1 Sep 2011

Life and etc. in it!

I'm not an eighty year old female to give life lessons and talk about experiences but young enough to learn and share what I've learnt. The more I'm growing the different shades of life and people are giving me a clear idea how to go about and deal with things coming my way. Not a single day goes that I don’t get to learn a thing at least, be it things I know and getting to know more or deciphering a sheer human quality and keeping in mind the same. 

Life sure is not a flat field to have a blissful night walk. It’s like climbing mountains in hot summer and not having enough water to quench your thirst when needed the most. So it depends on what kind of a runner you are. An easy going runner having faith to somehow make it till the end, or a runner who pushes others down to quench the thirst to reach the peak or the runner who waits back for the time to come when it will rain, or the one who gives up and jumps off the mountain, what kind are you?

Some are mere pessimists around and thinks nothing good will happen to them. They spend their entire life both shedding tears and regretting what they could have done or keeps on eyeing upon what others have got and they are not destined to get the same. Wrath and jealousy takes place and  is how created and takes different shapes  competing to reach the highest level of it; so much effort is taken to reach that level then, how about having a perception change and going the other way round? Those two things totally succumbs. How better it would have been being an optimist, ignoring world marathon and reaching the highest level to a better path instead? But the former seems to be the typical human nature we are bound with. To look around what others have got and we don’t.  This cynical human nature makes me think a lot. It is like not looking how beautiful you are but to look how less beautiful one should have been. It is like not moulding the best in you but not letting others mould their best too. And yes this is what I’ve been seeing around and it kills me inside. I try caring less but it gets on my nerves when it happens to me or I see it happening to others.

Life in itself is so beautiful, have wide opened eyes to look around and observe. If for someone money brings the happiness home then fight your breath out to get it. If it is happiness that lacks help others to get some back, cherish all that you have, all that you like or a passion for something that makes you happy and so much more. I can endlessly talk about finding beauty in everything around me. Even a crawling ant has the ability to make you smile. “Beauty is in the eye of the gazer” rightly said? Beat that line! Happiness can be found in the extremist niche if one has faith in self to find out. For some it might take ages to get what they always desired to and eventually might find it impossible to reach there and indubitably will stop deterring to the same. But that doesn’t mean the only reason you are left with is giving up. No! Yet again I’d say life is sure no easy, if no good deeds happened to you, how about making a journey living worthwhile and carrying along memories with it. Pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional. Right? Problems are like shadows, if you turn on the lights they are gone in seconds. :)

Well then, living your own life is more important, within a fraction of seconds life can take a turn unexpectedly, you never know. Or if it doesn't  beating up time and making it happen sounds more spontaneous. So let’s not life taste the J factor or other factors. Trust me no medical treatment available as of now for such syndromes. :)

> If you've achieved something, do not announce it, be calm. People will find out somehow, if they don't they are certainly not interested.

>  It was  yesterday when I was having the best days of my life, feel like it was seconds back and I was living there. But darn!, now I say “when I was small I used to…”

> Not everything happens for a reason, It happened, 'cause you were the reason to make it happen, makes sense?! 

> Do not judge anyone's silence, the inside story is inexplicable. 

> It is not about what people think of you, it is all about how you portray yourself and if that makes you happy. (:

An Untitled Poem

Joyee sleeping, careless and wild,

Filled with fearless pride.

‘Cause she is a kid of the open sky,

Even the rain of the east cry.

That hers is the love that can’t be shed,

With the time or the days that can be led.

Stopping the flow she does grow,

She undefines even the sorrow. (:

Credits – My cousin brother. (:

I really do believe that exams are the secret to enjoying life to the fullest. No, seriously. Nothing makes reading paper, watching Youtube videos, watering plants, eating breakfast, cleaning furniture, listening to music, taking a walk, wearing shorts, talking to your Mom, counting the number of people there are in old class photographs and shooing pigeons more enjoyable than having an exam coming up in 20 days.. *not even 20 days! :D*

- One of my friends created this piece, and yes this is what exactly we all are going through right now. Cheers to all of us! :D 

Underestimate Me

The power of underestimation is not acknowledged that much. Or is it?

Well we have five fingers in a hand and do all them have the same functions? Certainly not. Everyone has their own characteristics; one is as strong as thumb, one as aggressive as the middle finger and not to underestimate the use of little finger that every kid uses the most.  Likewise one cannot expect the other to be what they want them to be.  So it is always well advised to be yourself (the saddest advice one could ever give? Well yeah! I'm not giving it here though). 

A narrow part from my personal experiences, there were always those people around me to pull me down at every point of time. There are few till date. To show what they are and what I am not. Believe me; they did no harm to me other than throwing some harsh words. All good that happened to me, ‘being underestimated’ was one of the biggest reasons that made me grow more. And every time I sit back and think I wish to throw back a silent smile. That is it. And so I don’t find a reason to compare and to be compared. Everyone is good at something or the other, everyone needs to discover themselves and be good at it. Need I say more? I'm not that preaching kind of a person, believe me. :p My posts are just to leave back a message for some to realise. People should find their own advices and grow along with it, right? (:

So why compare? Why show someone what they are not good at? Why not show what they are good at? Even if people fail to do that, nevermind, acknowledge the power of underestimation now on and yet again GROW.

There is this nuance in every human being which is undefined and cannot be compared. One definitely cannot expect traits to get matched. If things were meant to be that way imagine apathy surrounding us then.

So if you have that slot of someone around you or say if you are the one, Bother less and let it go!

Lastly “JUST DISCOVER YOURSELF AND LIVE”. (:

Behind every successful man there is a woman.

Well yes, there are some who will be there throughout her man’s journey in making him the man of her life. She will be the pillar throughout. With her powered words she will be the inspiration to his life. She will show the reason to live and give him light to move ahead. The obedient man will be as loyal as dog and behold her words strongly.

Some will be there truly and adhere to the same. But the exceptions are to be highlighted. A time might come when she will step back, why? Because she was a born ‘mercenary’ she found her ‘the man’ in someone else? Possibly! And what about the love and commitments made? Well they are meant to be broken. And eventually she will make the man realise that he was being a dog indeed all the while.

But every dog has its day, how come someone not know this?

When betrayal hits any person it hits hard leaving scars behind, the woman will have no clue what the man would do now. The scars will be the reasons to relive. Will he be what she wanted him to become? Yes! Infact, up higher above than that. The man will shine then.  And he then would only look back to make her realise that she was the bitch and will be fucked by a less successful dog.

Hence, behind this successful man too there will be a woman indeed. (:

P.S: The woman depicted here ought to be the significant other of a man’s life. On the other hand that woman could be a mother, a sister, a daughter or a friend too but that's not the purpose of this post.

A person who has sympathy  for a crippled, the same person can also call someone ugly. Hypocrisy much? -.-

Need no Title

Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall – Shakespeare, very rightly said, indeed I've seen things happening that way, not many orbits I've passed though, but have seen a lot. But one sure fact I believe is life in the making will surely be a ‘rise by virtue’ may be a slow one or very slow but it surely will, it’s not always dawn to dusk, right?.  All it requires are couple of sacrifices to be made.  Do it if asked for a life worth living ahead. 

- 1 Dec 2012

The Beginning

This is the very first story I came up with. Dated: 18 Aug 2011. So it is almost two years old. I've written this so I posted, I don't like reading it and I don't expect others to like it either.  :P

Today one year passed and like any other day I got up early morning grumbling, frustrated with the daily schedule and throwing all the anger on Mom. I couldn't help myself; I never did because I knew she understood every slightest thing that I went through.

The days begin with its own touch in it when all those memories flashes, but today all of a sudden that bitterness appeared at the same time eyeing on the calendar dated 16-08-11. But I ignored and moved on.  I was late as always, so ran to catch my 6.54am train and somehow made it in. The moment I entered the compartment, struggling after all those hands hanging up, banging my head and those feet stamping over mine. It was very normal, nothing new in it, after all Mumbai is meant for it. The crowd. After taking so much pain I finally got in and stood comfortably at the place where I usually stood. The familiar faces I smiled; some returned back, some didn’t. I removed my book from my sack and managed to fit the sack on the slab above and started reading. This is how I usually keep myself unnoticed from the chaos around me or say from the world.

When the train halted at my station, I stepped out, and then moved on walking with the crowd heading towards office. I glimpsed around which I usually don’t and felt something different, something weird. As if my instincts were trying to tell me something. I bumped and bumped again. I assured myself that I was lost and nothing else.  I somehow tried relating it to what happened last year. Was it Anubhav over my mind and veins? Well he always was, I smiled, ignored and moved on. 

After reaching office I made myself comfortable when shortly I got a call from my TL(team leader) , “Ananya Chakravarty, you have been called by Smita Ma’am”, one of the folk came over and told me to meet her in her cabin. I rushed with a hope, knowing the fact that there have been talks about my promotion. It was unusual. But no, it didn’t turn out to be what I was expecting it to be; it was some delay in a dispatch I was held for. Again the instincts brought me here with a negative atmosphere at the very beginning of the day. Yet again I ignored, sorted the matter and moved on.

Disha called me for lunch but I refused, which I never do. I didn’t know what was so wrong with me, things were strange around me. In my mind I questioned Anubhav, if it was him, if he wanted to tell me something?  Then suddenly there was a lump in my throat, I started weeping like an insane when again those mesmerizing days sparked in front of me.

It was like two years back when I passed out my college with Anubhav Sharma. 

I was friends with him in the final year during the fifth semester. I was stereotyped towards him; I assumed he was a snobbish guy who has his typical friends around him.  In other words he was among those dudes and those ‘ssup?’ fellows. 

His looks were deceptive; this is how the females in class described him. Why wouldn’t he be? His cuteness, his dark silky hair, his fair skin, pink lips, dark brown eyes defeated everyone.

Class was packed that day, leaving the first benches empty. He was late for the lecture, found no place but found the seat in front of me. I was surprised when he turned back out of the blue interrupting the lecture and asked me something, it was about the project we were together in. It was strange. But then he took the pain to ask me what work he had to do. We talked to each other for the first time in 3 years, of course with a purpose behind. His smile was flattering. Whether mine was the same, I wondered. We discussed a bit and ended up exchanging numbers.

A smile appeared on my face and then I stopped weeping. It was he who always made me happy and at the same time left out. I started working all over again…but then…

Anubhav called me that night and convinced me that he won’t be able to work for the next few days. After the conversation ended I pondered - how on earth was I convinced? Something bothered me about him the next day, I stared at him silently, and then he came up to me and explained me what work he had and couldn’t contribute towards the assignment but now he could.

It started with Facebook, went on with messages and finally phone calls. It was he who popped out with a ‘Ssup’ at the first place. We gelled up very well; when we became closer he realised I was not among those studious but among those introverts and humorous people. About a month had had passed when he eventually realised that he had fallen for me and ended up asking me out. I was not pretty sure if he was intending seriously or just had some temporary feelings towards me. But I was finally convinced, like how I said he had that in him to convince people what so ever it would be; he had that spunk in him.

Alas! I was not able to work at all. I brushed up myself. Brought a coffee for me and got back to work. The day went off smoothly but still with the gut feeling residing within, something is either awesome that is about to happen or something really terrible. I tried intertwining myself into conversation with Disha but couldn’t. After all she knew what was harassing me; she had been with me throughout.

While leaving I packed my sack putting my lunch box in, which was kept as it is, unopened. I left at 5pm and started walking my way home…..Anubhav….

At the end of the year we were placed in the same company after all those long running processes. We were focused, not just getting placed, rather getting placed together. We hoped for the best and cleared the aptitudes, group discussions and everything. We were determined to be together and luckily never fell apart. We were madly in love. We knew we were meant for each other. People often gossipped how the hell Anubhav fell for me, to which he always had an answer for, I was the most beautiful girl on earth, and he made me feel the same way, special rather very special. He said I was simple and that is how he loved me, loved me the most. Like we say every girl finds her prince, her significant other at some point of time in her life, and I did find one for me too. There was something mysterious about him. I knew him all.

The joining letter in our hand bashed it completely. Partying late night was what we did after that. I knew I was departing away from my friends, but didn’t bother when I was with him. All I knew is that I was complete.

The long walks on the beach. Hand in hand, cuddling, the touch, his ever smiling face; we felt each other in every which way. I lived every bit of it, which was only and only with him.

It was 7 in the evening and I was about to reach home. The signal turned red and I crossed, the streetlights flashed on my eyes and I was back again in those days. Being in the present I had never lived in it since after. I was still connected to him as if I had nothing else left in my life. He was in my veins, my blood, I could feel him, and he was everywhere around me.

I pictured myself as a loner and never thought of coming out of it. After him it was none who’d convince me to change things, even when I knew I had to. I knew I sounded horrible at times but I was helpless. It was difficult for me to come out of this.

I was nearing my house; I had to cross the road to reach the gate of my complex. I was completely in the past. I crossed partly and was waiting at the other end of the road.

How fun work was with him comparatively how it was now. I was not even called up for the promotion being in the third year, everything was just a rumour I thought. I regretted the fact that I was nothing without him at this point of time when I really needed him, the fact once that I loved the most.

I crossed as if I was in the third world. Not bothered about things around me. Dreaming, screaming within, totally messed up, I remained unnoticed and I crossed. Something really huge was nearing me, which said, 'This is it'. I stopped. I stopped like a moron; that huge thing was a few seconds away from me, the huge truck. Things freaked out. The horn started blowing. It blared, louder and louder and louder. I started shivering, shivering till death. It was ending up here, here itself, I thought. I thought this is it which bothered me the whole day. Those instincts followed me throughout till here, which tried telling me something. It was like a disaster. The miserable thing was going to happen, I thought. I was numb.

Suddenly something flashed in front of me, it wasn’t the headlights. It was not even Anubhav this time. 

It was my Mom.

My mom, who had been waiting for me to reach home, who waved me from the window when I left early morning. Who was making dinner ready for me, who was staring at the clock! It was she who appeared smiling in front of me. Nothing was bitter anymore when her face straight away lit up in front of me. I pulled myself up; I ran across reached the gate bewildered. People kept staring at me. I was still shivering. I was left stunned.

I was ashamed of what had happened.16-08-10, it suddenly struck me, last year on the same day Anubhav was the victim to one such incident. I started weeping looking downward, rushing towards home. Despite him not being with me anymore, he was around me the whole day. It was him who made things weird for me the whole day yet saved me from it. It was him who brought that bitterness to my instincts, but made me realised the other side of it. Who was at the edge of everything making it smoother for me, protecting me and all that I know is, he will always be there by my side. And then I realised it was not as miserable as being to death. The other end of the intuition was lightening up.

I took the lift, still thrilled. My eyes started burning; the whole incident was flashing in front me. I reached and ran to ring the door bell. Momma opened the door smiling. I was still shivering, out of the words of what had just happened. An Epiphany! And I hugged her tight weeping loud and loud. Things changed in me, I found a meaning for living, the meaning other than Anubhav and held her even tighter never falling apart from her.

Mist

Her eyes were wide open staring the white ceiling, straight. And then she blinked once, twice, one side of the lash touched the other, she felt it this time.  She thought she can do something more than just throwing back her eye lid. Her fingers trembled; Shalini slowly raised her right hand, then the other, totally surprised! She got up from the bed, looked around, smelled the medicals and nausea was inside her head now. She wanted to move out; she could walk again her heart prompted. In those white stained cloths she felt exhausted but at the same time she was happy that she finally woke up from a long sleep. The thirst was over her throat now.

She banged the door and found her trainer outside. Dhriti, her physical trainer was stunned seeing her. Shalini’s eyes shot up; confused! She caught Dhriti, had millions of questions on her mind but was still quiet. She just couldn't spill it into words. Dhriti took her in and calmed her down. She was behind Shalini's responsiveness. Shalini knew what she was suffering from. A Locked-in Syndrome; she was paralyzed from tip to toe. All what she could do was see and listen. For years she was tormented by fate.

Dhriti carried forward some treatments and was convinced that she overcame the syndrome. It was a miracle. She then informed her family. 

Shalini was in her ward waiting for her family like always. She went closer to the window and opened it, the sun rays fell on her feet, and she shook her feet and tried feeling its warm touch. She glanced at the white clouds from the window unlike the ceiling. She saw the nature at its best. She saw the breeze blowing up her hair. It was her time now.

What was next she thought! It was time to fulfill those dreams she dreamt of she thought. And now things were in her hands. The joy was taking over her. She was in the ninth cloud.

Her eyes were stuck on the clock, waiting for her family. Her mom and dad, her little brother, she was dying to see them all. She smiled remembering those juvenile days with her brother. She wanted to hug her mom and dad, and sense them. She wanted to hear her mom. She was overwhelmed. She was sitting at the corner of the bed, smiling. She closed her eyes; her mind a distorted smoke of thoughts and memories. Realism and memories intertwined.

Slowly the door opened and at the other side her family arrived. She looked up. Her mom came and sat next to her on her bed. Her mother silently asked Shalini, how she was. There was no response. Her brother waved her, still she didn’t react. There was pain in their voice. Then finally she heard and responded.  She blinked. She was shattered; the smoke was filtered. She kept staring the white clouds or was it the white ceiling? A drop of tear rolled from her left eye falling over the sheet, leaving it wet. Darn! Almost! She blinked again… 

Dated: 21 Aug 2011